Good Mourning! 

Good Mourning! 

I grieve in threes

Part 1

Listen obsessively to the same song on repeat

While making the arrangements

For people I’ve loved that turned to other forms, butterflies and ladybugs: winged visitations

Part 2

Wake up hours before my alarm routinely eyes fixed at the crumbling ceiling

Composting

The people I’ve loved who loved me not that I’d pick petals praying the last one would reveal requited longing 

Part 3

Dig my hands into dirt, nail beds and sinuses filthy with pollen and pee

Planting 

The parts of me I no longer need and those I wish to keep 

PART 1: Making The Arrangements

I grieve in threes

  1. Listen obsessively to the same song on repeat

  2. Wake up hours before my alarm routinely, eyes fixed at the crumbling ceiling

    3.  Dig my hands into dirt, nail beds and sinuses filthy with pollen and piss

I’m posting thirst traps again

I am faking IT

I’m refusing to blink

I’m deleting instagram 

I’m deleting my contacts

I’m deleting my conscience 

I’m done

I’m dreaming I’m an owl who thought they were a fairy 

I’m freezing my eggs 

I’m donating my blood

I’m seeking arrangements

I’m distracting myself

I’m dancing on your grave

I’m leaving you alone

I’m leaving me alone

I’m withholding rent for the space you take up in my brain

I’m trying to get back what you sold at the pawn shop

I’m getting off at the next stop

PART 2: Composting

I grieve in threes

  1. I don’t grieve, I go to work on Monday, I fall in love again, I eat a tub of cookie dough and tell you I’m stronger for it all

  2. Don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, don’t perceive me, just believe me

  3. I’m reckoning, I’m hydrating, I’m eating dark green leafy veggies, I’m getting my vitamin D

I’m waiting

I’m aching

I’m sending voice messages into the ether to a phone thats deactivated and belongs to a dead person 

I’m guilty

I’m writing letters and addressing envelopes and keeping them in my desk because a decade is too soon to tell you I’m sorry 

I’m late

I’m not coming into work

I’m washing dishes for the rest of the day

I’m getting pruney

I’m drinking prune juice

I’m on the toilet

I’m sorry I didn’t see your text

I’m responding now, your email must have gone to spam 

I’m hoping this email receives you in good health

I’m hoping this email self-destructs

I’m getting up

I’m destroying every razor in the house

I’m done self-destructing

I’m in the hospital with pylonephritis for not peeing after

I’m infected

I’m ending this

I’m saving you for special occasions

I’m making excuses

I’m a failure

I’m a human!

I’m an insect?

I’m not a girl

I’m gonna stay inside the cocoon a little longer please?

PART 3: Planting

I grieve in threes

  1. The people I’ve loved that turned to other forms, butterflies and ladybugs and winged visitations

  2. The people I’ve loved who loved me not that I’d pick petals praying the last one would reveal requited longing 

  3. The parts of me I no longer need and those I wish to keep

The little kid who tried so hard to be hairless and pretty, but mostly just wanted to be believed

I’m letting them out

I’m stealing boxes of tissues for when they’re ready

I’m letting my leg hair grow in 

I’m letting the weeds take over the garden

I’m still counting the days, 938, since you left us 

I’m watering my eyelashes with tear duct hoses

I’m microdosing

I’m exercising

I’m downsizing

I’m Marie Kondoing

I’m requesting a refund

I’m listening

I’m better for it

I’m fucked up 

I’m forgiving

I’m hanging upside down on playgrounds

I’m inside out and always grieving 


Good mourning, darling

Have some OJ 

It’s going to be another day